Exploring Loss and Self-Compassion with Mindfulness

The emotions of loss are so personal — and yet so universal.  

Writer Haruki Murakami says, “Every one of us is losing something precious to us.  Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back again. That’s part of what it means to be alive.”

We’ve all experienced loss.  We lose loved ones.  Friends move away.  Perhaps we’ve lost a job or the future we had dreamed about.  This past year in particular has brought loss into sharp focus, affecting us all in ways we never would’ve imagined. 

Some losses are so clearly recognizable – the intense heartache of losing a loved one.  

Others are not as evident, or they’re complicated, or hard for others to understand. 

For decades my fiancé attended karate three times a week.  It’s now been almost a year since his last class.  On the surface, this might seem like a small thing, but it’s a loss felt on so many levels: physical conditioning and mental training.  The sense of being on a path of mastery.  The experience of flow.  The way it gave structure to the week.  The friendships and the community.  It’s a loss that few can fully comprehend – amplified by the abruptness of the ending: no closing ceremony or celebration.

The emotions of loss are complex:  heartache… sadness… disappointment… disruption… regret… exhaustion… numbness… fear… emptiness. When someone asks how we’re doing, it can feel impossible to express in words. Sometimes we ourselves don’t know how we’re doing because we’re caught up in the endless tasks of every day, with little time or space for self-reflection.
Explore our live, 14-minute mindfulness sessions every day of the week, multiple times per day taught by eM Life’s expert instructors for a fresh approach to integrating mindfulness into your daily life.

How to Respond to Loss

The philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer said that “Mostly it is loss which teaches us about the worth of things.” 

I don’t know your experience over this past year, but I imagine it has involved some sort of loss.  It may have been something unexpected; maybe something that has forever changed you.  

Every loss is different and we each respond in our own way.  Here are a few strategies that can be helpful in dealing with loss – perhaps some might resonate with you.

• Getting enough sleep.
• Being with others who will listen and are supportive.
• The companionship of a pet.  
• Being outside in nature.
• Moving the body.
• Journal in a very honest way: “This is what I’m feeling in this moment”
• Acknowledging and honoring our experience with self-compassion.
• Listening to music… reading… engaging with art.
• A spiritual path, whatever that may be for you.
• Being present in the moment and present to ourselves just as we are.

This last one can be tough.  It is not easy to stay present to the emotions of loss.  It is not easy to stay present with ourselves.

Have you allowed yourself the space to be with yourself just as you are?  With your next breath, you might ask yourself these two questions: 

“How am I doing in this moment?  What do I most need?”  This is a practice that reminds us to pause and to connect with ourselves.

Another way of being present for ourselves and our experience is through the mindfulness practice known as RAIN:

• Recognize where we’re at.  Maybe we feel extremely fatigued or sad or in a fog.
• Allow and accept our experience, just as it is.
• Inquire, for example, into the sensations in the body, or notice whether our self-talk is critical or supportive.  
• Finally, nurture ourselves with self-compassion.

Mindfulness teacher Jack Kornfield says that “when we truly come to terms with sorrow, a great and unshakable joy is born in our heart.”  The practice of RAIN gives sorrow the space to breathe.  It reminds us to treat ourselves with the same loving kindness we’d extend to a dear friend.

We can embrace ourselves just as we are, honoring ourselves and what we’ve lost. We can embrace the present moment with an understanding of impermanence, that everything in life is changing, breath by breath, and moment by moment.  

May you stay close to your heart, and to all that you love.

Check out our latest on-demand collection Bring Mindfulness and Compassion to Loss, today.

Written by Kathleen Jones